Take a deep breath. We're talking all about forigveness!

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I used to work with an ex. I was his boss, actually. When I was promoted, we had a brief check in to set some ground rules that our interactions were about work and we would leave our personal connection in the past. He offered to apologize for how things ended but I gritted my teeth and said that wasn’t necessary. I thought I had already moved on.
But I hadn’t actually. I was resentful of how he treated me and how I allowed myself to get so caught up in that relationship.

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We worked together for a few years like that. And it wasn’t great. I tried block him from a promotion and questioned his abilities. I was on full alert around him at all times, worried he was going to screw me over professionally like he had personally.

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Maybe he got fed up with it. But he sent a long email to take responsibility for his behavior and its impact on me. At first I was furious. How dare he send this to my work email. And then… the waterworks started. And they pretty much didn’t stop for two days. I was an emotional wreck bringing up all those old hurts.

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But much like removing a splinter, it was really painful coming out but then the poison was gone.

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I could see him as a human with flaws who was taking accountability for his mistakes. I could let it go.

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I felt free. I had so much space from no longer needing to carry that resentment.
Not surprisingly, I became a better boss. I was able to collaborate, provide constructive feedback and discuss big ideas. We were able to colleagues.

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Forgiving someone (or yourself) is the act of giving yourself the sense of peace you had before the injury. Forgiveness is for you. Not for the other person. They don’t even have to be involved. It’s better if they’re not.

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Just like I experienced, it can bring up a lot of emotions and memories that maybe you were repressing. But when you let it go, there is a sense of peace and freedom.
Here’s some structure to forgive your way to your freedom:

1. Identify your resentments around your ex. What upset is still lingering? What are holding onto?
2. What is the unobvious benefit to why you’re holding on? We only do things because there is a benefit, but it isn’t always obvious. Are you enjoying feeling righteous about how they hurt you? Does holding onto the resentment give you a connection to your ex because you were afraid to totally let go?
3. Give yourself compassion. You were getting a need met and you now identified it. You no longer need to meet that need in that way. You can let that go now in exchange for receiving more space and more freedom.
4. Write in your journal: “I choose to forgive X for Y. I am letting go of this so that I may welcome more peace into my life. X no longer has any power over me and I am restoring myself to before the offense.”
5. Check in with yourself in your journal with the prompt “is there any other reason why I need to forgive x?”
6. Do your best not to remember the offense. If it comes up remind yourself, “ this thought may go. I choose to release you. I no longer need or want this. I am choosing peace instead.”
7. Repeat as many times as needed. Notice any spaciousness or change that you feel. Give yourself some love and gratitude for being brave enough to do this.

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Repeat this process as many times as you need on a daily or weekly basis to create the level of peace and freedom from this old resentment you desire.

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This is a powerful process. And it can come with lots of feelings. I want to help you create this freedom in your own life so I am going live on Instagram tomorrow Friday October 18 at 9:30am ET to answer all your questions about forgiveness. You can follow me here: https://www.instagram.com/sarahcurnoles/​

If you have a question about forgiveness that you want me to answer, hit reply and ask away! I want to know. And then join me on instagram to get your answer!

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